Tuesday, October 25, 2011
The questions I get so much
"Oh, I just could never do what you do," "Do you miss him?" "What do you do while he's away that long," Some of the various questions I hate and I'm sure many other military spouses can relate. To us; this could be ignorant and even annoying questions to us. I always said I could never do this either; but it is his job, and he's not just out on vacation. He is doing something very courageous and honorable; so how could I not date, marry or love someone just because of his job. The army is really a way of life; and I do not find anything negative about what he's doing. I thought I could never do this either; but you would be surprise how strong you truly are when you have to be. I was even asked by a very educated woman if I miss him two months ago. Wow. Of course I miss him; just like any girl would probably miss her spouse if they were gone a few days for a company trip or so..think of that; then times it by 20. That is how I feel. Not only do I have to worry about his safety, I think of the other families all over; and not just in the area he's at. I wonder what's next? Everytime I hear a knock at the door; I get paranoid thinking it's a chaplain or someone with bad news. Everytime I even go take a shower; I'm carrying my phone with me into the room in case he calls; I'd be miserable if I missed that call. And finally; what do I do while he's away. I take my husband's advice and live my life how I normally would...I hang out with friends as much as I can. I work from home with a wonderful company that can keep me busy if I let it ( I get to choose my own hours) and of course; I spend a lot of time writing him e-mails or just finding myself if that is what you'd like to call it. I dream about the future; I try to get out the house as much as possible and honestly; going places just is not as fun without him. Sometimes I even feel guilty because people may judge and think it's not very classy to go out with my girlfriends while my husband is deployed. I guess they think I should sit at home and cry. I do not go out much; but maybe once a week; even if it's just a friend's home. I think spouses really do need their friends a lot during times like this; especially when you are alone. I also have hobbies; such as modeling and working events or promotions as they come up. I do not feel like myself honestly without him here; but I do my best and that is all I can do honestly. There are good days and then there are those bad days which I have more of when I do not even want to get out of bed and I think about how much I hate this deployment stuff and how there must be a way they would not have to be away so long. Sometimes I even get dark thoughts like what would I do if something horrible happens or if that last time I kissed him or hugged him was the last time...but then I have to stop myself and realize that I'm being negative and there is no point in worrying; it will just prolong stress. I have to block out the bad stuff; and I think that is the whole moral of this story. Sure; this is hard and of course I miss him...yes I would much rather see him daily or be close to him all the time; but I play the cards I'm dealt and I'm very new to this lifestyle; it never gets easier but you learn how to cope and you really do learn what works for you in order to help you be as "normal" as you can be. It really is something you learn to live with; and you also learn to be strong, because that is your only choice.Me telling myself everyday I can not do this will not bring him home from this deployment faster; and honestly this has had pros just like cons...I've learned to be more independant and of course I've learned I'm so much stronger than I ever though :) Just what is on my mind today.